Forgiveness and the Client
You have been there: in the therapy room as a client contemplates forgiveness. If you are an EMDR Therapist it may have come up early in Phase 1 work. Often a client with Christian faith who has experienced violence or abuse will grapple with the decision to forgive. Or it suddenly comes up in processing and seems to be slowing things down. You can almost feel the client’s mind and body trying to determine what they believe about forgiveness and whether they are capable of forgiving.
Sometimes forgiveness seems to be the first thing a client declares and in these cases I wonder: Is this truly adaptive resolution or is this a defense showing up as a spiritual bypass?
Forgiveness has been noted in much psychological and theological literature to produce positive outcomes for clients. As a result many well meaning mental health professionals embrace fully the idea of forgiveness as a healing antidote.
In my years of work with survivors of human violence, I have noticed that forgiveness is often one of the core beliefs that is challenged in the wake of violence. As clinicians, when we take a broad look at forgiveness and connect with our own beliefs — and perhaps bias —around forgiveness, it can empower us to be a better holder of space as the client navigates this difficult dilemma and sometimes belief shift.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.
Forgiveness is also different from the consequences of acts harmful to another. Many clients prove to be confused about this as they consider their trauma.
Misconceptions about Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a central tenet of most Western cultural faith and belief systems. A cornerstone of mainstream Christianity is the concept of forgiveness. “Forgive as I have forgiven you. Turn the other cheek”
Many other faith and spiritual beliefs also have this cornerstone of forgiveness. Buddhism promotes the idea of Karma and, for your own sake, not holding on to anger. It encourages living in the moment rather than focusing on the past (Many survivors wish their mind would allow for this!).
Forgiveness is considered one of the Six Cardinal Virtues in Hinduism.
Judaism also promotes forgiveness but has a slightly more complicated set of suggestions around forgiveness that has to do with who can offer forgiveness and the responses of the offender.
Surviving human violence will push many people to recalculate long held beliefs about themselves, their world, and God. So it is not a surprise that forgiveness can be such a tricky topic to navigate. Many clients may also feel external pressure from their faith community or family to forgive.
When Forgiveness is Healing
In regard to the healing power of forgiveness, it is important to remember that when clients do choose forgiveness, it is the connection/intersection of multiple adaptive internal processes that lead to resiliency. For example, a person who declares on one day that at that very moment they are practicing mindfulness for the first time- will not have the same positive regulatory capacities as one who has practiced mindfulness for years.
The true healing that comes from forgiveness is an evolution not a declaration. Thus a client’s rush to forgive or a therapist’s desire for the client to feel the benefits of forgiveness will not necessarily promote healing if it is not a well established adaptive neuronetwork within.
The process of forgiveness for those who choose it , may begin with a decision to forgive. This decision will hold them throughout the process of letting go of many thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions that continue as part of their trauma and loss. The end or result of forgiveness should be that the person does not dwell on what happened, no longer needing to bring it up to others-including the person(s) who committed the act if still connected to them.
The need to rehearse the pain and betrayal (most of the time) does lesson through EMDR therapy processing, allowing a more clear view of their own adaptive connections to emerge. The final clearing out of issues related to costly and unresolved anger, bitterness, and resentment may be revealed in the final steps of recovery as the client has been able to move on. S/he is no longer rehearsing and ruminating about what happened in their own mind, showing an ability to change one’s focus from the past for one’s own future freedom.
Client’s Decision Not to Forgive
In EMDR therapy, the client’s own system decides what is adaptive for them. For some clients, the idea of forgiveness has become a part of their disturbance rather than an adaptive choice, particularly when promoted by others who cannot relate to their abuse or pain.
I have worked with many adults who experienced the violence of sexual and or physical abuse when they were children. They have often come to the conclusion in Phase 4 that they will not forgive the perpetrator because as a child they were not protected. As a way of supporting their younger selves they offer the protection paired with anger that they did not receive from their caregivers when they were young. As a result, they may decide forgiveness is not an option. Withholding forgiveness can at times be a way for clients to fulfill their own unmet needs. This is often the case for clients that shared about the abuse and did not have the needed protective, outraged or responsive support needed from their caregivers.
The Clinician’s Role
What a privilege it is to be in a position as therapists to walk this sometimes tricky terrain with clients! As EMDR therapists we know that ultimately with EMDR and the promotion of full integration of memory, clients will determine what is their own adaptive integrated belief.
In our training on EMDR with Survivors of Human Violence, this topic is expanded upon, including how our own views may impact our ability to hold space for the client to navigate the topic of forgiveness.
Amy Terrell, LMHC
Clinical Director, EMDR & Beyond
For more see Am’y talk about forgiveness with Bonnie Mikelson!